It can be super hard when my wife is having a depressive episode. Pretty much every time I would get home and find her in a nonfunctional depressive episode, it would lead to me getting discouraged or even depressed myself.
I hate seeing people sad or discouraged. I immediately try to look for the positive, to encourage, to move forward. Unfortunately I would immediately start thinking of all the things that I had to do to make up for her not functioning – taking care of our daughter, cooking food, walking the dog, cleaning the house, doing the laundry – and immediately get overwhelmed. I just don’t have enough time outside of work to do all the things I have to. Add on to that the next thought which is “well, she’s not going to get better” and it’s really easy to just feel hopeless.
OK, first off: she is going to get better. It’s not going to be instantaneous. It’s not going to be linear. It’s not even a guarantee that she won’t get worse in the future. Life is complicated and so is mental health.
Now the important point: my wife’s mental health is not my responsibility. Not in the way it sounds, though. It’s important to help her. It’s important to be her confidant. It’s important to keep trying to build her up, encourage her, and help her move forward.
But when I try to help her feel better and she doesn’t? It’s not my fault. When I do everything I can to take work off her plate and she’s still overwhelmed? It’s not a failing on my part. When I get to the end of the day and I don’t have time to do everything? When the laundry is still dirty at the end of the week? When I don’t walk the dog as much as I think she should, when my daughter doesn’t get as much “learning time” as I would like? It is enough. I am not failing. If anything, I need to reconsider my expectations.
At the end of the day I love my wife. She is my world and my best friend. But I can’t put the responsibility of her happiness on my shoulders. I can’t spend all of my time afraid of what might happen if she is depressed. I can’t help much or succeed in anything if I spend all of my time a nervous wreck! I have to trust God and my wife, do my best, and let the rest go.