This is a letter (I guess) I wrote to a friend who is having a hard time right now. I got permission to share it in case it will help someone else:
You are in a terrible dead-end job that you hate. You are in an unhealthily dependent relationship with your family members, who do not care about you as much as you do them. (Not that they don’t care, it’s just not equal) You have a boy with whom you are in some kind of relationship, but it’s not progressing how you want and you’re afraid that it’s also a dead end. You just want to quit your job and run away.
It seems to me that you are afraid you won’t — and may never if you continue — find the purpose, love, and recognition that you needs from your work, family, and boyfriend(ish), and so you want to just run away and try a dramatically different approach.
Is running away the right answer?
Probably not, at least not as a knee jerk reaction to things going wrong, if for no other reason than it reinforces the brain’s reflex to run when things go wrong that I believe is an incorrect one for reasons I’ll explain later. However, that doesn’t mean that staying is the right call either, I think it just needs a more rational and thoughtful approach to the decision.
So what does that mean?
Well, let’s look at why you want to run away. The answer you gave is “things went wrong”, but I don’t think “things going wrong” is the reason you want to run. Things going wrong is driving a feeling that is making you want to run. Those feelings could be fear, disappointment, or hopelessness (or something else), but they are what are driving the desire, not the external stimuli. Once we can identify the emotions, we can determine what a proper response is.
So what is the right answer?
Well, these feelings aren’t new. I’ve been hearing variations on them since you graduated college. it sounds like the approach you are taking isn’t working, and the correct answer would be to change that approach. It could be running away and dramatically changing everything in your life, but a blind running away to the woods would probably not resolve the needs that are not being fulfilled. Instead, a measured approach to find ways to satisfy those needs should be followed. How can you find love, appreciation, and fulfillment?
OK, that’s not very helpful
OK, you’re right. Maybe some specifics would be helpful. Lets first talk generally about those needs and then we can talk about how to address each of them.
The Needs
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Love
Based on my experience with you and your need for validation from family and boyfriends, I would say you don’t hold yourself in high esteem. This problem cannot be resolved by finding someone to show you the love you hope you deserve. You must learn that you are worth loving and love yourself for who you are. That isn’t to say that others cannot help you with that, but the direct validation from others is not really what will solve this. Once you start to understand this (perfection not required), you can start setting boundaries, expectations, and standards for what it looks like to receive love from others.
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Fulfillment
This is the most widely accepted and most easily glossed over need. People want to feel like they are doing something and that the something they are doing means something, that it has value. For some people, any job will do this because their purpose in working is to fulfill a basic need such as getting food and shelter. But once those needs are met, the need for further fulfillment rears its head again. You work at a retail store selling stuff. You went to school for criminal justice with a passion for female justice around abuse and sexual assault. Those are on completely different levels of fulfillment.
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Recognition
Where fulfillment is an inward understanding that the work being done matters, the intrinsic motivation if you will, recognition is the outward recognition of a job well done. It’s the outward validation that a person is special, needed, and valued. Yes, it is important for people to have self-love, understand their value, and be fulfilled for their work by its nature, but it is still critically important for humans to receive outside recognition.
The Ideas
These will not be easy to implement, but neither is suffering in misery or running away and starting over.
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Love
You are a child of God. That isn’t some platitude to teach kids, or even just some vague idea to frame a “we’ll go to heaven” lesson. Your Father is the Creator and King of the universe. You are innately a prince or princess and heir to that majesty. You have a value that cannot be measure or diminished by anything. Talk to your Father and ask Him to help you understand that. Meditate on it. Pick 3 affirmations related to this idea and repeat them five times each when you wake up and when you go to bed. For example “I am a child of God,” “I have innate, immeasurable worth,” and “Nothing can diminish my value.”
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Fulfillment
Consider your values. What are the things that are most important to you? What are the things that get you excited, or used to? What is it that got you excited about them? What is something you can do to move closer to that subject? Can you find ways to blend multiple things you are passionate or excited about or interested in? For example you study Criminal Justice because you want to help women find justice, and you love animals because you want them to have a better life, can you work as a dog trainer and focus on training dogs to help women who feel unsafe? Can you work with a dog rescue? Maybe you like guns, can you become a firearms trainer and teach women’s self-defense?
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Recognition
Recognition comes from an understanding of the the first two items. Learn to love and respect yourself. Find work that is fulfilling to you. Then go out and work hard withing those boundaries on that fulfilling work and be excellent at it. This is the only way to get real, valuable recognition.
And, of course, pray for help. Pray for guidance. Pray to recognize progress. Pray with gratitude for the progress you make. Pray to vent. Pray to plead, or to cry, or to just be heard. I cannot stress enough how important prayer is to this process.
Also, talk to awesome people who want to support you in your journey. If nothing else, feel free to talk to me.