A couple of weeks ago I shared with my wife a frustration I was having, closely related to my last post. I would get really stressed and start feeling bad any time she would ask to spend money and I had to say no. As we unpacked my frustration, I realized I was actually feeling guilty about two different things. First I was feeling guilty about not making enough money, and then I was feeling guilty about not managing our finances well enough. On top of that I was getting mad that she was always asking for money to spend.
Since I study business extensively, I immediately lined this up with a business organization chart. There are a lot of roles to be filled in a family, and a limited number of people to fill them. In our case I fill the roles of production (making the money) and the controller (managing the budget). However, those are completely independent roles. When I stopped and looked at it that way I realized that there was no way I could feel guilty. I do everything I can to produce the income our family needs. I literally cannot do any more than I am right now. I also do everything possible to maximize our budget. The fact that I can’t offer my wife everything she wants is not my fault as controller.
Then comes my wife’s roles. She of course serves a lot of roles, but in this case the applicable ones are nutrition, interior designer, and purchasing. Her job is to tell me what we need to keep our family fed, clothed, and happy and our house in good order. It is not her job to limit those for the budget, that falls to me as controller. Once I tell her the budget, then she gets to decide details of how it’s spent. It’s not her job to balance the needs of various departments, that’s mine as CEO (though I rely on her recommendations to do so).
Once I looked at it that way I stopped worrying (as much). We are both doing the best we can to do our jobs. If we don’t have enough money for everything, it just means I have to put on my CEO hat and make a priorities decision and then let her figure out the details. In fact, it’s helped me be even more hands off when it comes to design and spending details because they aren’t my job.
There’s still stress. I still wish I had more income. But it’s much more manageable now, and that makes everything happier.
As a side note, if you struggle with budgeting or debt, check out You Need a Budget, my absolute favorite tool for getting your finances in order. And feel free to email me with questions or comments!